


Votes Are In.  Time To Clean Things Up.

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fantasy Football, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-07 16:12:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 10,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1905426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stannis Baratheon is cleaning up the Fantasy Football League.</p>
<p>Jaime Lannister is trying to get a date.</p>
<p>Catelyn Stark is on a mission to destroy the League.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Voting Ends.  Trouble Begins.  Monday, Part 1.

**The Fantasy League Message Board**

BeardedStag votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
URallAssholes votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
Unknown votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
Unknowns votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
UKnowUWantMe votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
Kingslayer votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
FingerfewerHand votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
Voting closed by CommissionerBy Right  
CommissionerByRight: Enough votes have been received to add Brienne Tarth as our twelfth owner. Votes cast on the Message Board cannot be changed. I will wait until after the voting date to inform her. The ban on contact continues.

\--

  
TO: Brienne Tarth  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon  
CC: Fantasy League Owners  
RE: New Team Owner, Brienne Tarth  
DATE: July 7, 2014

Dear Brienne,

I am pleased to inform you that your application for ownership has been approved. By a clear majority, you have been added to the League. Congratulations. You will find the link to the League below. I have set up your team under the name Team Tarth. Your League username is BTarth and your temporary League password is kfj9&67y8K. Please change your password immediately.

I am forwarding you a copy of the League rules. You should review them and become familiar.

Congratulations again.

Sincerely,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Co-Owner Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy League Owners  
FROM: Brienne Tarth  
RE: RE: New Team Owner, Brienne Tarth  
DATE: July 7, 2014

To all team owners,

Thank you for voting me into the League. I look forward to defeating each of you soundly.

Sincerely,  
Brienne Tarth  
Owner Team Tarth

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Oberyn Martell  
RE: Buy Ins  
Date; July 7, 2014

Stannes!

My brother and I have concerns that Tywin Lannister is backing more than the team run by his offspring. If Tywin is supporting other teams, there may be concerns of a conflict of interest.

Oberyn  
Your Champion

\--

 

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Walder Frey  
RE: RE: Draft Order  
DATE: July 7, 2014

Stanny

I need 1st pick in the draft. It should go by years in league.

Walder  
Single and Looking

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Ned Stark  
RE: Draft Location  
DATE: July 7, 2014

Stannis

The past four drafts have occurred in King's Landing or the South. We really should spread out the draft locations. Can we at least go to the Twins or the Dreadfort this year? I'm sure if we asked Roose, Walda would love to host us.  Catelyn would be willing as well.  Let's just have it somewhere North.

Ned Stark  
Winter Is Coming To a Football League Near You


	2. I Swear Upon My Honor. Monday, Part 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reactions to Brienne joining the League. (Next chapter gets the Brienne/Jaime you're wanting!)

FertileNonagenarian: fing cunt, did u c her email? she thinks she can beat us  
FlayMaster: We must destroy her.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: she sucks

\--

[PinkISPretty has invited FlayMaster to the conversation.]  
[FlayMaster has joined the conversation.]

PinkISPretty: How do you feel about venison?  
FlayMaster: Little wife, I've told you before, I'm working  
PinkISPretty: You didn't like it when I made that tofu casserole  
FlayMaster: ....  
PinkISPretty: Venison or Chicken?  
FlayMaster: Not now  
PinkISPretty: Tofu it is then  
FlayMaster: Fine, venison  
PinkISPretty: Now for dessert I thought I'd make some--  
FlayMaster: Just stew some prunes  
PinkISPretty: :P

\--

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Brienne is IN.  
RedHeadedMother: Yes. Now each week, we have to get our respective teams to mess up their line ups so she can win.  
RedHeadedMother: Walda is going to be difficult. Jeyne is waffling too.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Brienne might not need that much help.  
RedHeadedMother: She has to win. SHE HAS TO. My entire family room smells like a frat house during the season. Ned once grew a lucky beard. And refused to wash his lucky shirt which he wore every Sunday. For 18 weeks.

\--

IronIslandsBattleBabe: So with Brienne in, when do you want to remove Theon and add me as co-owner?  
SharkKing: i’ll ahve to ask stannis the rules  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I can be patient.

\--

SexontheSand: Brienne is in the League.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Have you convinced Oberyn to make you co-owner in place of Doran yet?  
SexontheSand: He’s still loyal to his brother. If Brienne wins, Doran will want to drop out. Oberyn will name me co-owner. We will take over this League, Yara.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Catelyn is an idiot if she thinks the league can be destroyed.  
SexontheSand: Let’s join them and then beat them.

\--

SexViper: The goddess Brienne has joined the Fantasy Football League.  
LimpingLord: I'm tired. Should I care?

\--

iluvgilly: did ygritte tell u if gilly had a good time?  
IKnowALittleSomething: shes pissed @ me  
iluvgilly: gilly?  
IKnowALittleSomething: no ygritte, just call gilly

\--

BeardedStag: I'm happy that Brie's in the League.  
UKnowUWantMe: y?  
BeardedStag: She's my friend.  
UKnowUWantMe: moon moon moon  
BeardedStag: She does not moon over me.  
BeardedStag: Anymore.  
UKnowUWantMe: word has it shes fuckin lannister  
BeardedStag: Don't make me spit out my water. Brienne would never lower herself to a Lannister.  
UKnowUWantMe: apparently she goes real low for him  
BeardedStag: TYRION?  
UKnowUWantMe: would u hate her if she got that low?  
BeardedStag: I'd be disappointed in her. I thought she had better taste.  
UKnowUWantMe: she did like u  
BeardedStag: So sweet.  
UKnowUWantMe: *kiss*

\--

Unknown: A girl needs to give three names.  
Needler: u will take out whatever 3 teams i tell u?  
Unknown: A girl saved a man, three times.  
Needler: i let u use my phone to set ur lineup  
Unknown: A lineup must be set.

\--

PrettyPrincess: Brienne! :) So happy ur in the league

[Needler has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Thanks Sansa. I’m happy too.  
Needler: u need 2 kick ass brienne  
PrettyPrincess: u need to avenge Sandor  
Needler: u beat their asses  
WarriorMaiden: I’m going to do my best. I’d do anything for you girls.  
Needler: Promise to beat them.  
WarriorMaiden: I swear upon my honor.

\--

FingerfewerHand: How is your blood pressure today?  
CommissionerByRight: I checked it eighteen minutes ago. It’s fine.  
FingerfewerHand: Good.  
CommissionerByRight: Ned Stark has suggested we ask Roose Bolton if the draft can be held at the Dreadfort this year.  
FingerfewerHand: Gods No. The last time we were there, Walda made that bizarre tofu pot pie.  
CommissionerByRight: It gave us both indigestion.  
FingerfewerHand: Not to mention the strawberry cupcakes with strawberry icing and sliced strawberries on top.  
CommissionerByRight: She said she acquired that recipe from _Westerosi Housekeeping_ but it was supposed to be vanilla frosting.  
FingerfewerHand: Even at that, it would have been too sugary.  
CommissionerByRight: I suspect she doubled the amount of strawberry juice in the icing recipe.  
FingerfewerHand: So, let's not mention the Dreadfort as an option.  
CommissionerByRight: Can I do that? Not present all options? He also suggested the Twins.  
FingerfewerHand: Why not just vaguely say there has been a suggestion we hold the draft away from King's Landing. It's Jaime's decision anyway.  
CommissionerByRight: Jaime and Tyrion.  
FingerfewerHand: We all know Jaime will decide though. He always does. Tyrion likes being the power behind the Throne.  
CommissionerByRight: You don't think it will seem evasive if I don't make a specific suggestion?  
FingerfewerHand: It'll be fine. In fact, you should just say the North. You don't want to appear to be influencing Jaime unduly.  
CommissionerByRight: You're right, Davos. I should always trust your judgement.  
FingerfewerHand: You make dinner tonight?  
CommissionerByRight: All your favorites.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CommaSplice wrote the Walda/Roose interaction. In about four minutes. While tipsy. She is amazing.


	3. Side Bets.  Jaime Gets a Date.  Monday, Part 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sleeper pick is a term for a NFL player that an owner believes is going to have a breakout season. These are usually players who are not rookies, but they can be. For the most part they are not well known NFL players. Usually sleepers are drafted in the middle to late rounds of a draft.

HyleontheHunt: Hey Brie. Heard you got into the big FF League. Dinner tonight to celebrate?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m going out with Margaery, but you can join us? The Armoury?

[Kingslayer joined the conversation.]

HyleontheHunt: Great. I’ll see you there.

[HyleontheHunt has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: He’ll see you where?  
WarriorMaiden: Probably in fifteen minutes when he walks by my office.  
Kingslayer: Congratulations on joining the League.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks. I’m looking forward to it. I didn’t mean to be offensive in my message, but I thought it was best to come out with some smack talk so everyone understood that I’m in it to win.  
Kingslayer: Your message was perfect.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks.  
Kingslayer: So….want to celebrate?  
WarriorMaiden: I was planning on it. Thanks.  
Kingslayer: Dinner tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, at dinner tonight.  
Kingslayer: What time should I pick you up?  
WarriorMaiden: Wait. What?  
Kingslayer: What time should I pick you up for dinner? I made reservations.  
WarriorMaiden: No. I am celebrating tonight at dinner. Not with you.  
Kingslayer: Are you going out with that douchenozzle?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: He’s unworthy of you.  
WarriorMaiden: What are you talking about?

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: I’m talking about that asshole.  
SexViper: Lannister, talking out your ass again?  
SexViper: Brienne, congratulations and welcome, welcome to the league.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks Oberyn.  
Kingslayer: What the fuck do you want, Martell?  
SexViper: To welcome Brienne, of course. What do you want?  
Kingslayer: You to have your skull crushed like a pumpkin and your teeth sprayed all over the ground like Skittles.  
SexViper: Sorry to disappoint, but looking forward to your defeat, Lannister.  
Kingslayer: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because your girlfriend thinks I am.  
SexViper: Suck my cock.  
Kingslayer: Ask Loras instead.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: welcome b, glad to hav u, can u ask gilly if she had a good time?  
SexViper: You finally went out with that girl, did you fuck her? Did you caress her body? Lick the back of her knees?  
iluvgilly: GILLY IS NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL!  
SexViper: Not the kind of woman that likes to have a screaming orgasm? I can give a woman a screaming orgasm.  
Kingslayer: You can make a woman scream in horror.  
SexViper: Like you, Lannister? With your weirdly deformed Frankencock?  
Kingslayer: I do NOT have a deformed cock. My cock is perfect. Your mother told me so.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: BRIENNE!  
Kingslayer: Fuck off and die, Martell.  
iluvgilly: jaime, can u ask gilly if she had a good time?

\--

URallAssholes: interested in a little wager?  
Bronn4Sale: whats on offer?  
URallAssholes: long term bet, if i win, you call me Lord Tyrion 4 a year  
Bronn4Sale: whats the bet?  
URallAssholes: u know the vry fuckin tall blonde at BE?  
Bronn4Sale: scowls all the time? looks like she wants 2 punch u?  
URallAssholes: thats the one, by the end of the ff regular season, she will be banging my brother  
Bronn4Sale: the pretty brother?  
URallAssholes: only have one brother  
Bronn4Sale: him and her?  
URallAssholes: that’s the bet  
Bronn4Sale: if u lose, u get me into the league?  
URallAssholes: next open slot is yours if i lose  
Bronn4Sale: sersly?  
URallAssholes: deal or no deal?  
Bronn4Sale: DEAL, no way will he fuk her, shed punch him

\--

WarriorMaiden: Hyle is coming with us tonight.  
LadyRose: He’s a douche.  
WarriorMaiden: He is, but he’ll buy you drinks.  
LadyRose: He’ll buy YOU drinks.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you know Jaime Lannister?  
LadyRose: Of course.  
WarriorMaiden: Is he a jackass?  
LadyRose: In what way?  
WarriorMaiden: He keeps asking me out.  
LadyRose: GO OUT WITH HIM. He’s totally hot.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s really good at fantasy football.  
LadyRose: And he has lickable abs.  
WarriorMaiden: You’ve seen him shirtless?  
LadyRose: I have a good imagination.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s kind of a jackass.  
LadyRose: Have an adventure, Brie.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t like adventures.  
LadyRose: If Jaime asked me out, I’d go.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. Forget I mentioned it.

\--

URallAssholes: DATE JAIME  
WarriorMaiden: Why do you care?  
URallAssholes: hes drivin me nuts  
WarriorMaiden: Not my problem.  
URallAssholes: will pay u  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not a whore, but thanks for the suggestion.  
URallAssholes: come on b he’s not horrible  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
URallAssholes: side bet, i bet if u go out w him u cant amke him have a bad time  
WarriorMaiden: What do I get if I give him a miserable date?  
URallAssholes: he will enjoy a date w u  
WarriorMaiden: This is so weird.  
URallAssholes: i dare u to give him worst date of his life  
WarriorMaiden: What do I get?  
URallAssholes: will share 2 sleeper picks  
WarriorMaiden: And if he has a good time?  
URallAssholes: u have 2 go out w him again  
WarriorMaiden: Why do you want me to date your brother?  
URallAssholes: bc he’s an asshole and I like you  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. Terms accepted.  
URallAssholes:  u didnt even negotiate, id have given u 3 sleepers  
WarriorMaiden:  Is your brother that awful?  
URallAssholes:  4u2 decide  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t believe I’m doing this.  
URallAssholes: welcome 2 the league

\--

WarriorMaiden: You can buy me dinner tomorrow night. Pick me up at seven. I will not be wearing a dress.  
Kingslayer: Naked?  
WarriorMaiden: Fuck off.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

\--

Kingslayer: Having dinner with the wench tomorrow.  
URallAssholes: did u drug her?  
Kingslayer: Fuck you. She likes me.  
URallAssholes: shes not that dumb

.


	4. Votes for Walder. Monday, Part 4.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoot. I was editing this chapter and it posted. It was supposed to be tomorrow. Drat.
> 
> So you only get one tomorrow, I think. 
> 
> Wednesday is the big post date discussion!

TO: Fantasy League Owners  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon  
RE: League Issues  
DATE: July 7, 2013

Owners,

There are a variety of League issues that must be addressed.

1\. Walder Frey, as the oldest team owner and as a solo owner, is asking he be awarded two votes. If we award two votes for him based on his solo ownership, we must award Brienne Tarth a second vote as she is also a solo owner.

2\. Buy-in payments are due on August 1, 2014. This year, if you received funds from an outside source, such as Tywin Lannister, to assist with your buy-in, you must disclose receipt of those funds.

3\. The former commissioner allowed the name The League of Kings to expire. As such, we need to choose a new team name. Suggestions and discussion should be kept on the Message Board. 

4\. We need to determine how we will choose the draft order. I have received a suggestion that the order be determined by the length of time in the League, which would place Walder Frey with the first pick and Brienne Tarth with the last pick. However, the suggestion did not specify how to calculate for length of time of teams with two owners. For example, if we look at Team Greyjoy, Balon has been in the League for twenty-two years, but Theon has only been in the League for three. Do we average those numbers, take the oldest member or add the years together? It was a wholly vague suggestion. Please email your draft order selection suggestions to the entire League for discussion. 

5\. The former commissioner kept no control over proposition bets. As such, I am creating a board for proposition bet offers and acceptance. I, as your commissioner, will only enforce proposition bets that are offered and accepted through the board.

6\. Last year’s draft occurred in King’s Landing. Traditionally, but not by Rule, the draft occurs at a location chosen by the League Champion, which was again Team Lannister. However, we have not had a draft in the North for quite some time. Team Lannister, please propose a draft location and I strongly suggest it not be King’s Landing.

I expect to hear from each and every owner on these issues within the next two weeks.

Regards,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Co-Owner Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner

\--

The Fantasy Football League Message Board

CommissionerByRight: This board is now open for discussion. This board is not open for smack talk.  
TheLastDragon: FUCK FREY.  
WardenWolf: One owner, one vote. Any solo owner can add a secondary or co-owner to secure a second vote. It's the honorable thing.  
YoungWolf: I’m with dad.  
WarriorMaiden: I am abstaining from voting as I have a vested interest in the outcome.  
KellyCsBear: I approve of the current system.  
URallAssholes: Let’s give Brienne two votes and leave Walder with one. We all like Brienne better anyway.  
IKnowALittleSomething: RU dating her, Lannister?  
iluvgilly: i like Brienne 2  
FertileNonagenarian: ive been in this league longer than any of u douchebags. gimme 2 votes  
SexViper: I have to agree with the Stark, although the WarriorMaiden is intriguing. LimpingLord asks that I vote on his behalf.  
SharkReek: 1 vote per owner  
SharkKing: Frey gets no bonus for being old  
Kingslayer: I bow to the superior suggestion of my brother.  
URallAssholes: I’m the superior Lannister.  
Kingslayer: Keep dreaming.  
Unknown: A man and his co-owners says one owner, one vote.  
UKnowUWantMe: no extra votes to anyone ever for any reason, assholes  
BeardedStag: I’m with Loras.  
URallAssholes: we know Ren, gods, we all know  
FlayMaster: Walder should get an extra vote. Tarth should not.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: what dad said  
Fingerfewerhand: The current system should remain in place.  
CommissionerByRight: Walder Frey’s request for additional voting power is denied.


	5. New League Name.  Monday, Part 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In most contexts, "proposition bet" denotes a bet made regarding the occurrence or non-occurrence during a game (usually a gambling game) of an event not directly affecting the game's final outcome. Proposition bets in sports are differentiated from the general bets for or against a particular team or regarding the total number of points scored. Traditionally, proposition bets can be made on outcomes such as the number of strikeouts a pitcher will accumulate in a baseball game, whether a non-offensive player will score in an American football game, or which team will score the first points of the game.
> 
> Prop bets and side bets are differentiated here as prop bets relate to something that will occur within the League competition. Side bets are extraneous bets that the characters make for fun.

**The Fantasy Football League Message Board**

CommissionerByRight: Please post and discuss your suggestion for a new League name. The League of Kings is no longer available and no longer appropriate. I suggest the The League of Monarchs which maintains the consistency in the name but allows for appropriate gender equality.

  
FertileNonagenarian: FUC THAT SHIT, im oldest member, Walder Frey Memorial League  
FlayMaster: It would only be a memorial to you if you died, Walder.  
FertileNonagenarian: u all wish!  
FlayMaster: How about The King's League?  
TheLastDragon: I suggest The Dragon's League.  
KellyCsBear: Dragons do have a strong history in fantasy football.  
WardenWolf: might as well make it the Wolves' League  
YoungWolf: works for me  
LegitimizeThisBitches: might work better if either of u won in the past 10 years  
YoungWolf: when did u last win, asshat?  
TheLastDragon: How about the Aerys Targaryen Memorial Fantasy Football League?  
SharkKing: why would we want to name it after your crazy ass father?  
TheLastDragon: MY FATHER WAS A DRAGON  
SharkReek: ur father ws an idiot  
SharkKing: takes one to know one  
LegitimizeThisBitches: hahahahhahaha  
SharkReek: FU Rammsers  
Unknown: A league need not have a name.  
URallAssholes: lannisters always win. The League of Lions  
WarriorMaiden: I know I'm new, but since the trophy is called the Iron Throne, why not name the League, the Iron Throne of Fantasy Football? That way it's all about the trophy and not about any individual team and you don't have to worry about gender issues. Standings updates can define who is leading in the Battle for the Iron Throne. It's an easy theme to carry through.  
Unknown: A girl makes a suggestion. A suggestion is good. A man's co-owners agree.  
WardenWolf: She makes a good argument.  
URallAssholes: im w the tall chick  
SharkReek: so i hear  
FingerfewerHand: I approve of Brienne's suggestion.  
UKnowUWantMe: way 2 not b completely useless, giant  
FlayMaster: That's fine with me. I can't be bothered to care.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: I'll sit my ass on that Iron Throne this year  
BeardedStag: I like it. Nice one Brienne.  
FertileNonagenarian: i vote w roose  
SexViper: My brother and I also agree with the lovely Brienne. It seems she has many, many skills. I look forward to exploring them with her.  
Kingslayer: Fuck off, Martell. I like the Iron Throne of Fantasy Football.  
IKnowALittleSomething: i agree  
iluvgilly: brie is so clever

  
CommissionerByRight: The motion will carry if we can clarify. Will it be The Iron Throne of Fantasy Football or the Iron Throne of Fantasy Football?

BeardedStag: What the fuck ever Stannis.  
YoungWolf: i all say capital

CommissionerByRight: All right. I will register the League name as The Iron Throne of Fantasy Football.

SharkReek: the TIT league. nice name, sweet tits  
Kingslayer: Her name is BRIENNE, asscrack.  
WarriorMaiden: I'm fine with it. SharkReek, prop bet?  
SharkReek: Offer?  
WarriorMaiden: I beat you both times this season, you stop saying the word "Tit" in all its forms for a year.  
YoungWolf: HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAA, good one  
IKnowALittleSomething: he cant do that, he only has a vocab of 200 words and 10 of them are tit variations  
SharkReek: six months and what do I get if I win?  
WarriorMaiden: You won't, but what do you want?  
SharkReek: u have to wear a skirt 2the next draft, a girly girly super girly skirt with heels, and we stick a picture of u in the skirt on the IT  
WarriorMaiden: Accepted.  
CommissionerByRight: Proposition bets and side bets are to be offered and accepted on that Board. I will move this bet to that Board.  
IKnowALittleSomething: and u hve 2 tell me how it works, with u and lannister  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever that is, No.

 

\--

 

**Side and Proposition Bets**

CommissionerByRight: Only side bets and proposition bets offered and accepted on this board will be enforced by me, your commissioner. Please note that there are some things I cannot enforce. Failure to fulfill your obligations under any given bet will result in the loss of a draft pick, round dependent upon the level of failure.

**Current Active Side and Proposition Bets**

WarriorMaiden has bet SharkReek that if she beats him in both regular seasons matchups, SharkReek will refrain from use of the word “tit” in all its forms for six months. If WarriorMaiden loses, she must wear a skirt to next year’s draft and a picture of her in said skirt shall be attached to the Iron Throne.

 

\--

 

CommissionerByRight: How am I to enforce that proposition bet?  
FingerfewerHand: No one really expects you to, darling.  
CommissionerByRight: Davos, it is my responsibility as commissioner.


	6. Things Take a Downward Curve.  Tuesday, Part 1.

Kingslayer: I'm really looking forward to dinner tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
Kingslayer: Are you?  
WarriorMaiden: Sure.  
Kingslayer: I made a reservation.  
WarriorMaiden: That's nice.

[EddieBros has joined the conversation.]

EddieBros: hey bireenn, wanna grab wings in beer 2nite  
Kingslayer: Who the fuck are you?  
WarriorMaiden: I have plans tonight, Edmund.  
EddieBros: w hyle?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: What the fuck?  
EddieBros: u shud hang w me and ron, we can talk fotbal

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I don't like you. I don't want to go out with you. Go away.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]  
[EddieBros has left the conversation.]

iluvgilly: im sry jaime, i though she liked u  
Kingslayer: SHE DOES LIKE ME. 

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: All women like me.  
Kingslayer: I'm hot, I'm funny, I'm rich.  
Kingslayer: What's not to like?  
SexViper: Perhaps you are bad at the sex, Lannester.  
iluvgilly: i can talk to her 4 u?  
Kingslayer: I do not need you to talk to her for me.  
Kingslayer: FUCK. 

\--

SexontheSand: You should come to Dorne, visit with me and Oberyn. We could have such fun.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Once we join the League, I'm sure there's a lot we could do. Together.

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Help?

[WarriorMaiden has invited LadyRose to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

SexontheSand: Of course, lovely Brienne.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: What's up?  
LadyRose: Problem?  
WarriorMaiden: In the past week, I've been asked out by Hyle Hunt, Edmund Ambrose, Ronnet Connington, Ben Bushy and Jaime Lannister.  
WarriorMaiden: And Ellaria, uhm...Oberyn has made suggestions.  
SexontheSand: We would love to have you join us, Brienne, Yara, Margaery....;)  
LadyRose: Hyle is a douche, but he buys you drinks. Eddie can't string two words together.  
IronIslandsBattle: Ben cries after sex.  
WarriorMaiden: ?? How do you know that?  
WarriorMaiden: Wait, I do not want to know.  
LadyRose: Ron has an oddly curved penis, not from personal experience, but girls talk.  
WarriorMaiden: How do you KNOW these things?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Curved to the left or right?  
LadyRose: Downward curve I hear.

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Theon's penis curves to the left.  
SexontheSand: Oberyn makes his cock dance inside me.  
KissedByFire: We talking cock? Jon's packing more than you'd think.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Anyone know about Sam? I heard a rumor?  
KissedByFire: The fat pink mast rumor?  
LadyRose: I heard that too.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We need verification.  
LadyRose: Photographic verification.  
KissedByFire: Gilly won't go for that.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: brie, jaime rly likes u  
SexontheSand: Brienne, you should get your suitors to send you pictures, choose the order you want them from that.  
LadyRose: You have to share a Lannister dick pic with us.  
WarriorMaiden: I cannot cope with this.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Hey, Sam, how you doin'?

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: reding is 4 idiots  
URallAssholes: so apparently is spelling

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: tyrion, did u send brienne a pic of ur penis?  
URallAssholes: wut?  
IKnowALittleSomething: hahahahhahahahahaa  
iluvgilly: she said she cant cope w it


	7. The Buy-Ins and Onion Rings.  Tuesday, Part 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is the post date recap!

FertileNonagenarian: FUC THIS SHIT abt the buy-in who does stan think he is, sayin w hav to disclose  
FlayMaster: Is Tywin funding your buy-in? Again?

[LegitimizeThisBitches has joined the conversation.]

LegitimizeThisBitches: ‘sup w the buy-in disclosure?

[FlayMaster invites BAMFLannister to the conversation.]  
[BAMFLannister has joined the conversation.]

FlayMaster: Tywin, Stannis is requiring us to disclose the source of our buy-in funds this year.  
BAMFLannister: And that matters to me why?  
FertileNonagenarian: wll hafta tell that u pay our buyins  
BAMFLannister: I wasn’t aware that I had agreed to pay the buy-in fee for either of your teams this year.  
FertileNonagenarian: u always pay  
BAMFLannister: Not always. Not this year.  
FlayMaster: I see. And what has prompted this change?  
BAMFLannister: It’s time you stood on your own. I have been out of the league for more than a decade. I see no reason to continue funding your team.  
FertileNonagenarian: tywin, come ON  
BAMFLannister: Walder, you already have your buy-in amount discounted. If you need money, don’t you have a few children to sell?  
FertileNonagenarian: no1 wants them!  
FlayMaster: I will be able to fund my own team. I appreciate your years of support. Will you be funding your sons’ team this year?  
BAMFLannister: Lannister family matters stay between Lannisters, Bolton.

[BAMFLannister has left the conversation.]

FlayMaster: I see.  
FertileNonagenarian: wtf is his prob?

\--

TO: Fantasy League Team Owners  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon  
RE: Buy-In Payments  
DATE: July 8, 2014

Dear Fantasy League Team Owners,

I need confirmation from each and every one of you that no one is receiving funds from an outside source to pay their buy-in amounts. I know in past years, the Lannister family had funded buy-ins, but Tywin has assured me this is no longer the case.

Sincerely,  
Stanis Baratheon  
Co-Owner Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner

\--

UKnowUWantMe:  i hear there is a lannister dick pic floating around?  
BeardedStag:  Which Lannister?  
UKnowUWantMe:  both?  
BeardedStag:  You saw?  
UKnowUWantMe:  brienne has it  
BeardedStag:  BRIENNE?  She doesn't like dick pics.  
UKnowUWantMe:  jst sharing what i heard  
  
[BeardedStag has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]  
  
WarriorMaiden:  What's up?  
UKnowUWantMe:  my cock  
WarriorMaiden:  Why is every conversation I have today about penises?  
BeardedStag:  Shut up Loras.  
UKnowUWantMe:  make me  
WarriorMaiden:  I cannot cope with this today.  
  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
  
Kingslayer:  Hey Brienne.  
  
[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]  
  
Kingslayer:  Fuck you, assholes.  
  
[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

BeardedStag: Can we go to Burger King tonight?  
UKnowUWantMe: fast food is disgusting, y do u like it  
BeardedStag: Salt and grease are tasty.  
UKnowUWantMe: ur like a girl on her period  
BeardedStag: If you take bring me Burger King, I'll eat the onion rings off your dick.  
UKnowUWantMe: if u can fit those onion rings on my dick im retiring as a gay man  
BeardedStag: You're right, not Burger King. How about on of those blossom things from the steak house?  
UKnowUWantMe: put those where exactly?  
BeardedStag: Never mind, then. How about I bring over some of that magic shell like they put on ice cream?  
UKnowUWantMe: chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nurdles cranked out the Renly/Loras on Onion Rings! Thank you, thank you!


	8. Sweatpants?  Wednesday, Part 1.

URallAssholes: how was ur date?  
Kingslayer: She’s surly, she’s rude, she ate 3 desserts, she called me asshole  
URallAssholes: u r an asshole  
Kingslayer: She has astonishing eyes  
URallAssholes: so it was a miserable date?  
Kingslayer: She wore sweatpants  
URallAssholes: she wore sweatpants???? did u fuck her?  
Kingslayer: No, but what does that have to do with sweatpants.  
URallAssholes: sweatpants, yoga pants, sundresses, maxi skirts, any of that is easy access clothing, she wanted to fuck  
Kingslayer: She yawned when i tried to kiss her  
URallAssholes: pretending 2 b tired means she wants 2 go 2 bed with u  
Kingslayer: Are you kidding me?

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: so it could have been a good date  
iluvgilly: amazing date, gilly is so pretty  
Kingslayer: good going sam  
iluvgilly: i took brienne’s advice and talked about breakfast food  
Kingslayer: Brienne likes breakfast food?  
iluvgilly: gilly likes pancakes 2!  
URallAssholes: if she’s talking breakfast bro, sweatpants, pretending 2 b tired, breakfast...come on  
Kingslayer: I’m an idiot. I missed it all.

\--

Kingslayer: I had a really nice time last night.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Last night. I had a really nice time.  
WarriorMaiden: Did Tyrion put you up to this?

[IKnowALittleSomething joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: What is it with you and Tyrion?  
IKnowALittleSomething: brie, u dating tyrion, i mean, how does it work?  
WarriorMaiden: WHAT?  
IKnowALittleSomething: sry, just when ygritte told me u were dating tyrion, i started wondering  
WarriorMaiden: I am not dating Tyrion. Why does Ygritte think I’m dating Tyrion?  
IKnowALittleSomething: dunno, shes pissed at me, sam said u r the dating advice queen and i should ask u 4 help

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: smashtits, titbags, tittification tits tits!1!!111!!

[ShareReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Brienne, I’ll make us breakfast tomorrow. What do you like? Waffles? A helping of morning sausage? Or two?  
IKnowALittleSomething: uh..did i interrupt something?  
Kingslayer: Clearly.  
WarriorMaiden: I have no idea what Sam is talking about, what Ygritte is talking about and what either of you are talking about.

[BushWhacker has joined the conversation.]

BushWhacker: hey brienne, wanna catch a movie tonight?  
Kingslayer: Who are you, asshole? She has plans. For dinner tonight. And breakfast tomorrow.  
WarriorMaiden: Is this all Tyrion’s doing?  
IKnowALittleSomething: i thought u were doing Tyrion, can u talk to Ygritte 4 me?  
WarriorMaiden: Jon, I am not some dating guru. I told Sam not to act like a lump. Ben, I can’t stand you and I will never go out with you. A paperweight has a better chance. Jaime, if Tyrion put you up to this, I will end him.

[BushWhacker has left the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: ‘sup brie?  
WarriorMaiden: 1. Why do Jon and Ygritte think we are dating? 2. Did you cook this up with Jaime?  
Kingslayer: I can make you dinner tonight too  
URallAssholes: pretty sure she’s saying yes, jaime, and no matter how big she talks,  
URallAssholes: i am better looking than jaime, and more charming and u like me more, but ygritte knows about as much as snow  
WarriorMaiden: I wore sweatpants.  
Kingslayer: Blue sweatpants, they look good with ur eyes.  
Kingslayer: Your eyes. Wear them again.  
IKnowALittleSomething: y u dissing my girl?  
URallAssholes: like i care about ur love life, emo boy, go stare off n2 the distance meaningfully, let a man work here, BRIENNE?  
IKnowALittleSomething: fu, talk to yg 4 me please, brie?  
WarriorMaiden: FINE. I will go out to dinner with you, Jaime.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: she wore sweatpants? u bang her?

[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: No. Why did I not know about this sweatpants thing?  
YoungWolf: sweatpants thing?  
IKnowALittleSomething: lannister took brienne 2 dinner and she wore sweatpants  
YoungWolf: ur screwing??  
IKnowALittleSomething: NO. hahahha. he didn’t know abt the sweatpants  
YoungWolf: dude, seriously, if a woman wears some complicated dress with 5000 buttons and complicated underwear, she does not want to have sex with u, sweatpants means ur in, jist slide ‘em off  
URallAssholes: told u, JON SNOW knows more abt women than u  
iluvgilly: gilly wore a nice dress, not complicated, wht did that mean?  
Kingslayer: She likes me. YES!  
iluvgilly: whose 4thgrade now?

\--  
.  
LadyRose: She went out with Jaime last night. We need details.

[KissedByFire invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: How was your date with Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: GAH. Can we talk about something else? Ygritte, why are you mad at Jon?  
KissedByFire: I’m just punishing him for making me go out with Sam and GIlly. They mooned at each other and talked about pancakes all night. Fucking hells.  
WarriorMaiden: Did anyone talk to Gilly? Did she have a good time?  
LadyRose: I’ll work on the Gilly/Sam situation if you tell me about Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. He took me to dinner. I had two appetizers, ate my entree and ate food off his plate, and had three desserts, creme brulee, chocolate ganache, and a pecan tart. The food was amazing.  
KissedByFire: And how was Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: Fine I guess.  
LadyRose: What did you wear?  
WarriorMaiden: T-shirt and sweatpants. I planned to eat a lot so I wanted loose fitting clothes  
KissedByFire: Sweatpants make Jon horny.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
LadyRose: When I dated Theon, he was like that too. Was Jaime horny?  
WarriorMaiden: He tried to kiss me and I yawned.  
KissedByFire: HAHHAHAHAH.  
WarriorMaiden: I was tired.  
LadyRose: You must kiss Jaime Lannister and report back on the experience.  
WarriorMaiden: Gross.  
LadyRose: Kissing Jaime gross or reporting back gross?  
WarriorMaiden: Reporting.  
WarriorMaiden: Both.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
WarriorMaiden: We are going to dinner again tonight. I’m wearing jeans. And a belt.


	9. Reek Runs It Down.  Wednesday, Part 2.

Kingslayer: Sweatpants? So what else should I know?  
URallAssholes: how do u know nothing about women?

[BAMFLannister has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: Father.  
Kingslayer: Father?  
BAMFLannister: I will be paying your buy-in amount for the League this year. I expect you to win again this year, Jaime.  
URallAssholes: And do I win too?  
Kingslayer: Don’t sweat it. I got it covered.  
BAMFLannister: I have always funded the Lannister team. I will continue to do so.  
Kingslayer: We don’t need your money. It’s not like Tyrion and I are poor.  
URallAssholes: I always like it when people give me money.  
BAMFLannister: You're blessed with abilities that few men possess, Jaime. You're blessed to belong to the most powerful family in the history of fantasy football.. And you're still blessed with youth. The future of our family will be determined in this next season. We could establish a fantasy football dynasty that would last a thousand years... or we could collapse into nothing, as the Targaryens did.  
URallAssholes: Dad, it’s just fantasy football.  
BAMFLannister: _Just fantasy football_. What do you know of dynasty?  
URallAssholes: We watch football. We drink beer. We insult each other. It’s for fun.  
BAMFLannister: You can drink. You can joke. You can engage in juvenile attempts to make your father uncomfortable. But you will do your duty. You will win the League this year. Is that understood?

[BAMFLannister has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: So….sweatpants?

[URallAssholes has invited IKnowALittleSomething to the conversation.]

URallAssholes: hey, pansyboy, go over the entire sweatpants thing.  
IKnowALittleSomething: lemme get theon, dickweeds

[IKnowALittleSomething invites SharkReek to the conversation.]  
[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: 'sup losers?  
IKnowALittleSomething: run the sweatpants/front hook bra thing, lannister bros need advice  
Kingslayer: Fuck off. I'm just curious.  
URallAssholes: cut us some slack, we r so pretty women just strip 4us  
SharkReek: nice  
SharkReek: so a girl wants 2 have sex if she wears sweatpants, yoga pants or sundresses

[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: also those long flowy skirts, ne thing u can take off easy  
SharkReek: a girl does not want 2 have sex if she wears something w a ton of tiny buttons, something with a lot of weird straps, the harder it is 2 take off, the less she wants it  
YoungWolf: sports bras are the worst, u think hey no buttons no zippers, itll be easy but no!, takes the jaws of life to get those things off  
IKnowALittleSomething: ygritte wers them when she;s on her period  
SharkReek: TMI TMI  
YoungWolf: jeyne 2  
URallAssholes: stop w the overshare  
SharkReek: she also wants it if she wears a front latch bra  
YoungWolf: those r the best  
Kingslayer: How can you tell what kind of bra she's wearing?  
SharkReek: Sports bras flatten tits out, front latch gives no support, back latch makes them high and pointy  
URallAssholes: do u study boobs, dude?  
SharkReek: u don't?  
Kingslayer: What if she's not very well-endowed?  
SharkReek: dont like gurls w small tits  
YoungWolf: hug her, run your hand up her back, tell by feel  
URallAssholes: got it?

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: later dipshits

[URallAssholes has left the conversation.]

SharkReek: who is lannister trying to fuck?  
IKnowALittleSomething: brienne i hear  
SharkReek: tyrion and her? how would that...work? i mean?  
YoungWolf: i dunno  
SharkReek: can we get pictures? drawings?  
SharkReek: VIDEO  
IKnowALittleSomething: i thgt it was jaime, but ygritte said it was tyrion, then said it ws jaime, who the fuck knows?


	10. Pantyhose and Dicks in Boxes. Wednesday, Part 3.

MrsYoungWolf:  Why am I wearing pantyhose today?  They keep migrating south.  
LadyRose:  There is a way to fix that.  
WarriorMaiden:  Wear pants?  
  
[LadyRose has invited BeenThereDoneThatQueen to the conversation.]  
  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen:  Girls?  
LadyRose:  Explain the pantyhose thing.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen:  When your pantyhose roll down your ass in the middle of the day?  That issue?  
MrsWolf:  It's happened twice.  I keep having to go to the bathroom and hike up my skirt and then pull them up.  I'm afraid I'm going to rush some time and get my skirt stuck in the back of my hose.  Then I'll look ridiculous.  
WarriorMaiden:  Just wear pants.  
LadyRose:  I usually don't wear hose.  
MrsYoungWolf:  I live in the north.  It's cold up here.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen:  Cut the crotch out of the the pantyhose, dear.    
MrsYoungWolf:  What?  
WarriorMaiden:  WHAT?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen:  If you cut the crotch out of the pantyhose, it decreases the tension in the crotch and they won't roll down your ass.    
BeenThereDoneThatQueen:  Or just wear thigh highs and garters.  
WarriorMaidens:  Or wear pants.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen:  Also, if you're getting that weird swishing noise when you walk, turn them inside out.    
MrsYoungWolf:  Thanks, Olenna, you're the best.  Got any tricks for visible panty lines?  
LadyRose:  Thongs.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen:  Why wear underwear at all?  
WarriorMaiden:  JUST WEAR PANTS.  
  
\--  
  
SharkReek: marg has great tits  
LegitimizeThisBitches: miranda has great tits  
SharkReek: elara has amazing tits  
LegitimizeThisBitches: jeyne has nice tits  
SharkReek: how r waldas tits?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: I HOPE YOU DIE N A FIRE  
  
\--  
  
Needler:  hey, stannis  
CommissionerByRight:  Who is this?  
Needler:  Arya Stark, dude!  
CommissionerByRight:  Ned's youngest girl?  
Needler:  Uh, yeah, come on, we met twice, shireen likes me  
CommissionerByRight:  Are you the one who tried to teach her how to throw a punch?  
Needler:  boys r jerks, a girls got 2 know how 2 protect herself  
CommissionerByRight:  I suppose you are correct.  I should enroll her in a class.  
Needler:  shs got  good rite jab  
CommissionerByRight:  She's not shs.  Right not rite.  
CommissionerByRight:  I think I have to terminate this conversation.  
Needler:  no, wait, pls  
Needler:  Please?  I need your help.  
CommissionerByRight:  What then?  
Needler:  I have a writing paper due and it needs edited.  
CommissionerByRight:  Don't you have a parent to assist you with homework?  
Needler:  Dad splits infinitives.  
CommisionerByRight:  Your father does have issues.  
Needler:  Will you help me, please?  
CommissionerByRight:  I'm not sure I have the time.  
Needler:  I dangle participles.  
CommissionerByRight:  Email it to me.  
Needler:  UR THE BEST!  
  
\--  
  
KellyCsBear:  Have you talked to your sister lately?  
TheLastDragon:  Why would I talk to HER?  
KellyCsBear:  She is an insightful woman.  
TheLastDragon:  insight into what?  what dress goes with which shoes?  
KellyCsBear:  Coordination is imporant.  
  
\--  
  
Kingslayer:  So...tonight.  You can just come over?  We can hang out? At my place?  
WarriorMaiden:  I really need to work on my draft prep.  
Kingslayer:  We can do that.  I can order a pizza, or two, maybe three.  If you're hungry.  Maybe wings and subs too?  
WarriorMaiden:  Pizza is good.  No green peppers.  
  
[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]  
  
SharkReek:  hows it goin sweet tits?  
  
[SexViper has joined the conversation.]  
[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]  
  
Kingslayer:  Leave her the fuck alone, stupid twat.  
SexViper:  I do not think vaginas are stupid.  Ellaria has a very clever vagina.    
UKnowUWantMe:  vagnas r scary  
WarriorMaiden:  Dear gods.  Why am I part of this conversation?  
SharkReek:  bc u joned the league, u shd send us pics of ur tits  
Kingslayer:  Talk to her like that again and I will cut your dick off and give it to her in a box.  
UKnowUWantMe:  step 1, u cut a hole in the box, step 2, u put ur dick n the box, step 3, u have him open th box  
  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]  
  
Kingslayer:  What the fuck are you talking about Loras?  
SexViper:  Is the box her vagina?  Her sweet, clever vagina?  
UKnowUWantMe:  dick n  box asshole, the song  
URallAssholes:  who is getting a dick in a box?  
SharkReek:  brinnee  
WarriorMaiden:  Lannister, I'll be over at seven.  I'll bring beer.  
URallAssholes:  dance monkey dance  
WarriorMaiden:  Shut up, asshole.  
  
[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]  
  
SharkReek: ...  
UKnowUWantMe:  whut?  
SexViper:  *sigh*  
URallAssholes:  ?  
Kingslayer:  Why does it get boring and weird when she leaves?  
  
\--  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last update of the day! Tomorrow is post second date.


	11. Advice From a Woman Who Knows.  Thursday, Part 1.

WarriorMaiden: Men advice?

[LadyRose has invited BeenThereDoneThatQueen to the conversation.]  
[BeenThereDoneThatQueen has joined the conversation]

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You need something?  
LadyRose: Brienne needs man advice.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You’ve come to the right place.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I went out to dinner with Jaime Lannister. Twice.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He is handsome. Did you have sex with him? Was it good?  
LadyRose: Length? Girth?  
WarriorMaiden: STOP.  
WarriorMaiden: There was no sex. The first date, I was trying to make him not have fun because...well, don’t worry about that.  
WarriorMaiden: But the second date, we watched Combine footage and I worked on my draft notes for the league.  
LadyRose: Combine? You watched tractors? This sounds like the worst date ever.  
WarriorMaiden: The football scouting Combine. All the college players who are hoping to be drafted go to the Combine where they test their skills, running, catching, throwing, weigh-ins, fitness tests. Anyway, it’s how I make notes on upcoming rookies.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Can we get to the Jaime part?  
WarriorMaiden: He rubbed my back.  
LadyRose: And?  
WarriorMaiden: That’s it. I was sitting on the couch, taking notes, he went in the kitchen, came back and stood behind me rubbing my neck and back.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Strong hands and fingers?  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
LadyRose: Did this lead to sex on the couch?  
WarriorMaiden: There was no sex, at all. He didn’t even kiss me. Or try to kiss me.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Did you try to kiss him?  
WarriorMaiden: NO. NO. Gods. NO.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Go out with him again. This time, wear a sundress.  
WarriorMaiden: I’d look ridiculous in a sundress. I don’t know if I want to go out with him again.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You said strong hands and fingers?  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: And you can still feel him rubbing your neck and want to close your eyes at the memory.  
WarriorMaiden: How do you _know_ that?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He’ll ask you out again. Be patient.  
LadyRose: How do you know these things?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Experience, my dear.

\--

LadyRose: Grandma, I want to destroy the League because it’s impossible to get a good date on Saturday night. They all want to be home to set their lineups Sunday morning. Why do you want the League to go down?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Years ago, when I was young, I tried to join the League. Those old bastards decided a woman couldn’t join. This was back during the Targaryen years, before Tywin became the best fantasy football owner.  
LadyRose: You played FF?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I did and I could have been great at it. They let Mace join the League.  
LadyRose: But he knows nothing about football?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Yes, but he had a penis. For the first two years I managed his team and made the playoffs. It would have gone on that way, but Varys found out and told Walder Frey. Walder, Roose, Tywin, Balon, all of them forced Mace out of the League. I vowed to destroy them.  
LadyRose: That’s been decades.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I play the long game.

\--

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: So, you've finally allowed a woman to join the Fantasy Football League.  
BAMFLannister: It was not my doing. I retired from the League years ago.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I’d like to make a little bet with you, Tywin.  
BAMFLannister: Oh?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: If Brienne Tarth wins the fantasy football league this year, you have to publically admit that I advised you on your lineups in ’84, ’92 and ’99.  
BAMFLannister: And if she does not win?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I will wear that black teddy you bought me last year.  
BAMFLannister: To dinner?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Yes.  
BAMFLannister: Bet accepted. You realize Jaime will crush her?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Maybe not.  
BAMFLannister: Do you know something I don't know?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Yes.

 


	12. Tyrion Cuts and Pastes.  Thursday, Part 2.

URallAssholes: did u get laid?  
Kingslayer: She wore a sports bra.  
URallAssholes: Oh.  
Kingslayer: I didn’t even try.  
URallAssholes: want me 2 talk 2 her?  
Kingslayer: No.  
Kingslayer: Yes.

\--

URallAssholes: so, tall chick, how was ur date with my big bro?  
WarriorMaiden: I went out with him twice. Is my duty done?  
URallAssholes: yes, u like him?  
WarriorMaiden: He’s fine.  
URallAssholes: ill let him know u think that

[ilg has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: gilly told me she had a good time  
WarriorMaiden: That’s great Sam. Did you ask her out again?  
iluvgilly: should i?  
WarriorMaiden: If a woman tells you she had a nice time on a date, you should ask her out again.  
URallAssholes: she’s right sam, ask her out, did u kiss her?  
iluvgilly: i wanted to  
URallAssholes: dnt u like it when a man tries to kiss u after a date, tall chick?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s kind of expected that a guy kisses a girl after a date.  
URallAssholes: wht do u think when a guy doesn’t try to kiss u after a date?  
WarriorMaiden: If a guy doesn’t even try to kiss me? I guess I think he doesn’t like me.  
iluvgilly: so I should ask gilly out again and this time kiss her?  
URallAssholes: maybe not on the second date, but definitely on the 3rd  
WarriorMaiden: Right. A guy should definitely kiss a girl on the third date.  
URallAssholes: maybe even sex on the third date  
WarriorMaiden: Sex on the third date is a little fast. I wouldn’t try that, Sam.  
iluvgilly: k, i shd ask her out and try to kiss her?  
URallAssholes: defintly sam  
iluvgilly: thx, ur the best

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: big bro wants 2 go out w u again  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
URallAssholes: side bet?  
WarriorMaiden: I am not going to date your brother as a side bet again.  
URallAssholes: come on, heres the deal, i need ur help  
WarriorMaiden: With what?  
URallAssholes: jaime cockblocks me when we go out  
WarriorMaiden: And I care about that why?  
URallAssholes: bc a tyrion who isn’t getting laid is cranky  
WarriorMaiden: Again, I care why?  
URallAssholes: bc I am a draft guru  
WarriorMaiden: What makes you think I can’t draft on my own?  
URallAssholes: im sure u can, but ill give u dirt on draft techniques of other teams  
WarriorMaiden: Isn’t that ...sneaky?  
URallAssholes: its like watching game films of ur opponent, u just don’t have access, i do  
WarriorMaiden: What do you want me to do?  
URallAssholes: date him  
WarriorMaiden: He doesn't even like me.

[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: This is a terrible idea.  I can't do this just to get you laid.

[Warrior Maiden has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: whatcha need snow baby? a mirror where u can practice ur pout?  
IKnowALittleSomething: avoiding sam, I keep joining convos after he leaves  
URallAssholes: sly  
IKnowALittleSomething: ‘sup with u and briene?  
URallAssholes: we r good friends  
IKnowALittleSomething: RIGHT

[Bronn4Sale joined the conversation.]

Bronn4Sale: im bored  
URallAssholes: taht’s i’m bored, Lord Tyrion to u  
Bronn4Sale: already?  
URallAssholes: not yet, but soon

[URallAssholes: has left the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: u2 in some weird dom/sub thing?  
Bronn4Sale: u really know nothing

\--

URallAssholes: dude,she said u were _fine_ , she wanted u to kiss her  
Kingslayer: She was wearing a SPORTSBRA.  
URallAssholes: i asked her. gimme a sec, let me cut and paaste  
URallAssholes: WarriorMaiden: If a woman tells you she had a nice time on a date, you should ask her out again.  
URallAssholes: WarriorMaiden: It’s kind of expected that a guy kisses a girl after a date.  
URallAssholes: WarriorMaiden: Right. A guy should definitely kiss a girl on the third date.  
Kingslayer: FUCK. She wanted me to kiss her?  
URallAssholes: apparently so, ur reading the signs wrong  
Kingslayer: I need to spend time alone with her.  Dates aren't working.  I get all confused and she puts me off my game.  
URallAssholes: u have no game.  its why u need me

\--

UKnowUWantMe: jaime, baby, favor?  
Kingslayer: Why would I do you a favor?  
UKnowUWantMe: come on, just do me a solid  
Kingslayer: I don’t want to know about your sex games with Renly.  
UKnowUWantMe: *rolls eyes* look we cannot have the draft n the north  
Kingslayer: Why?  
UKnowUWantMe: ren will make me carpool w BRIENNE  
Kingslayer: So?  
UKnowUWantMe: dude, i can’t stand her  
Kingslayer: Offer me something I want.  
UKnowUWantMe: Me? *bats eyelashes*  
Kingslayer: Something I want.  
UKnowUWantMe: rumors about a certain running back being out 4 the season with ACL issue?  
Kingslayer: Not enough.  
UKnowUWantMe: cocksucker  
Kingslayer: No, that’s you.

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon

FROM: Jaime Lannister  
RE: Live Draft Location  
DATE: July 10, 2014

Hey Stan  
Love your idea for a draft in the North. Get Stark to host it and we’re on.

Jaime Lannister  
Best Fantasy Football Owner in Westeros

\--

TO: Fantasy Football Team Owners  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon  
RE: The Draft  
DATE: July 10, 2014

Dear Team Owners,

It has been decided that this year’s live draft shall be held at the home of Ned Stark, Winterfell, The North. You have all received the draft dates. Please either make your travel arrangements or arrange to draft online. Ned has asked that everyone who plans to stay at Winterfell notify him as soon as possible.

Sincerely,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Co-Owner Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner

\--

UKnowUWantMe: FUCK YOU LANNISTER  
Kingslayer: Untwist your panties, Loras. I’ll take Brienne off your hands. For a price.  
UKnowUWantMe: bastard  
UKnowUWantMe: whut?  
Kingslayer: Someday, and that day may never come, I will ask you for a favor. But until then, accept this as a token of my friendship.  
UKnowUWantMe: did I just sell my soul?  
Kingslayer: yes  
UKnowUWantMe: fuck


	13. Jamie's Got Game. Thursday, Part 3.

 

\--

Kingslayer: Hey.  
WarriorMaiden: Hey.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks for dinner.  
Kingslayer: I had a really nice time.  
Kingslayer: Did you?  
WarriorMaiden: It was nice to watch that Combine footage and take notes on the upcoming rookies.  
Kingslayer: A little single-minded, aren’t you?  
WarriorMaiden: I need to prepare. Don’t you prepare?  
Kingslayer: Tyrion does the drafting. I set the lineups.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. Well. It is probably nice to have someone else working with you.  
Kingslayer: I can work with you.  
WarriorMaiden: Is that appropriate? I mean, a couple of guys from work have offered to help. Be sounding boards and all.  
Kingslayer: HYLE HUNT?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah. He’s one. You know him?  
Kingslayer: He’s an ass and knows nothing about fantasy football.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. Okay.  
Kingslayer: You shouldn’t speak to him.  
WarriorMaiden: I work with him. Every day.  
Kingslayer: Want to carpool to Winterfell for the draft?  
WarriorMaiden: I thought I’d ride with Ren and Loras.  
Kingslayer: Can you keep something a secret?  
WarriorMaiden: Do I want to know?  
Kingslayer: Renly and Loras like to “play” in the car on long rides.  
WarriorMaiden: ?  
Kingslayer: Familiar with the term road head?  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.  
Kingslayer: Look. I’m just trying to help you out. No one carpools with them unless they have to. Then you have to put one in the backseat and one in the front or they get handsy.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks for ruining my lunch.  
Kingslayer: So...need a ride?  
WarriorMaiden: Who else is riding with you?  
Kingslayer: Just Tyrion. He doesn’t take up much space. You can stretch your legs.

\--

iluvgilly: i thouht she was nice  
LegitimizeThisBitches: everywhere she went some1 died  
iluvgilly: but she always solved it !  
LegitimizeThisBitches: id never invite her  
iluvgilly: shed bake cookies  
LegitimizeThisBitches: waldas baking cookies  
iluvgilly: i bet walda likes murder she wrote

\--

  
FingerfewerHand: If you upset your brother over draft weekend, I will make you pay.  
BeardedStag: OOoo, I'm so scared.  
FingerfewerHand: I mean it. He's having blood pressure issues.  
BeardedStag: If he weren't such an uptight git, it wouldn't be a problem.  
FingerfewerHand: Renly Tywin Baratheon, I will make you suffer.  
BeardedStag: By revealing I'm named after a Lannister? People already know.  
FingerfewerHand: I found your fourth grade journal.  
BeardedStag: What?  
FingerfewerHand: Let me give you a taste.  
BeardedStag: NO.  
FingerfewerHand: "Jamie Lannster is sooo dreamy. I want to merry him."  
BeardedStag: I BURNT THAT.  
FingerfewerHand: Apparently not. How would Loras like it?  
BeardedStag: FUCK.

\--

Kingslayer: Hey Brienne. Want to go to lunch?  
WarriorMaiden: Aren’t you half way across town?  
Kingslayer: We can skip out on work. Hang out.

[RocketRon has joined the conversation.]

RocketRon: Hey Brie, did u get the flowers i left u?  
WarriorMaiden: You left the wilted rose in my inbox?  
Kingslayer: Who is this asshole?  
RocketRon: who r u?  
WarriorMaiden: Ronnet, Jaime, Jaime, Ronnet  
RocketRon: though we could get 2gether, talk fantasy football, i know u need help  
WarriorMaiden: I do not need your help, Ron.  
Kingslayer: Who the fuck are you?  
RocketRon: who the fuck r u?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m going to leave you to alone to measure.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

RocketRon: fucking bitch  
Kingslayer: Excuse me?  
RocketRon: that fcikin bitch  
Kingslayer: Her name is BRIENNE.

\--

Bronn4Sale: we should get a tv show where we are cops  
SexViper: Vice cops.  
Bronn4Sale: we could drive a cool car  
SexViper: A convertible.  
Bronn4Sale: i could wear a shiny gray suit  
SexViper: I could wear a pink t-shirt and white suit.  
Bronn4Sale: i could use a fake accent  
SexViper: I could use my real accent.  
Bronn4Sale: we could bust hookers  
SexViper: Date hookers.  
Bronn4Sale: we could listen to 80s music  
SexViper: My hair could blow in the wind.  
Bronn4Sale: we would get so many chicks  
SexViper: We should definitely get our own television program.

\--

LadyRose: So when are you going out with Jaime again?  
WarriorMaiden: What makes you think I am?  
LadyRose: Really? Are you playing that game? With me?  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. He hasn’t asked me really, just for lunch.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: You can have a nooner.  
WarriorMaiden: A nooner?  
LadyRose: A quickie at lunch.  
SexViper: Why would anyone want to have quick sex? Sex should last for hours, days, weeks. Foreplay should begin the moment you ask a woman, a goddess, out.  
LadyRose: Tell me more.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: I like to start by letting a woman know she is desirable, know that I want her. Isn’t that what you like, goddess Brienne? To know a man desires you?  
LadyRose: How do you let a woman know you desire her?  
SexViper: I send her flowers, leave her messages, let her know she is beautiful.  
WarriorMaiden: Ron Connington gave me a wilted rose today.  
Kingslayer: He is an assclown. I’m going to knock his teeth out.  
LadyRose: Wilted rose? Like his limp dick?

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: A man who cannot get an erection is not a man at all.  
iluvgilly: y r all the convos about sex 2day?  
SexViper: I was just talking to the goddess, Brienne.

[HyleontheHunt has joined the conversation.]

HyleontheHunt: Hey brie, lunch 2day?  
Kingslayer: Hyle you fucktard, she has plans. WITH ME. Martell you twat, leave her alone. Sam, all conversations are about sex, always.  
LadyRose: I agree on that last one.  
SexViper: I agree as well, LadyRose. Come visit Dorne?  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t lunch today, Hyle.  
Kingslayer: She has plans.  
WarriorMaiden: I have a lunch meeting.  
SexViper: So you will not have a nooner?

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]  
[HyleontheHunt has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: What? She’s having a nooner?  
LadyRose: She’s not. But she wants to. You should ask her.  
SexViper: I should?  
Kingslayer: I should?

[Kingslayer left the conversation.]

SexViper: Would you join us?  
iluvgilly: gtg

 


	14. Everyone's Scheming.  Thursday, Part 4.

RedHeadedMother: EDDARD WAYNE STARK, WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE SEVEN HAVE YOU DONE?  
WardenWolf: Honey, Stannis asked. I couldn’t say no. It’s the League and we haven’t hosted in like seven years.  
RedHeadedMother: It’s taken that long for me to get the stains out of my carpet.  
WardenWolf: That was Robert.  
RedHeadedMother: Was it Robert who peed all over the bathroom tile?  
WardenWolf: Mostly.  
RedHeadedMother: You will owe me for this.  
WardenWolf: Yes, dear.  
RedHeadedMother: My sister is going to come visit. FOR A MONTH.  
WardenWolf: A whole month?  
RedHeadedMother: Maybe two!

\--

WardenWolf: Ur mother is pissed  
YoungWolf: y did u agree to host the draft?  
WardenWolf: stannis asked and, i dunno, it sounded fun  
YoungWolf: hahahahahahah  
WardenWolf: don’t laugh, some of them are going to have to stay with you and jeyne, can you take jon and sam? theon? ramsay?  
YoungWolf: NOT RAMSAY  
WardenWolf: We need 2 put him up in a hotel, or get him not 2 come.  
WardenWolf: I’ll talk to Roose.

\--

RedHeadedMother: Walda, you have to make sure Roose and Ramsay don’t come to Winterfell for the draft.  
PinkISPretty: Well, he hasn’t talked to me about it yet.  
RedHeadedMother: Walda, I mean it.  
PinkISPretty: I’ll try.

\--

WarriorMaiden: Hey. I’m carpooling with the Lannisters to Winterfell for the draft.  
BeardedStag: Thought you were coming with Loras and me?  
WarriorMaiden: They have a bigger car.  
BeardedStag: Something going on with you and Lannister?  
WarriorMaiden: We are just friends.  
BeardedStag: Tyrion is a draft machine.  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe I’ll pry some info out of him.  
BeardedStag: So, you and he…  
WarriorMaiden: We’re friends, Ren.  
BeardedStag: Who will spend hours in a car together.

[WarriorMaiden has invited UKnowUWantMe to the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Hey Loras, I’m riding with Tyrion and Jaime to the Draft.  
UKnowUWantMe: oh uh…sure? U r welcm 2 ride w us  
WarriorMaiden: Nah. I’m good. I’m going to pick Tyrion’s brain on the Draft.  
UKnowUWantMe: mebbe he will give u good info  
WarriorMaiden: Hopefully. Later.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: told u she ws fuckin little lannistr  
BeardedStag: Don’t turn me off.  
UKnowUWantMe: ill turn u on

\--

FlayMaster: You can make your tofu monstrosity another time. I'm going out of town for the draft weekend.  
PinkISPretty: You never told me!  
FlayMaster: I'm telling you now.  
PinkISPretty: We have the progressive party that weekend.  
FlayMaster: The what?  
PinkISPretty: The block club progressive party  
PinkISPretty: We're apps  
FlayMaster: . . .

\--

Kingslayer: Yo, you have to find your own way to Winterfell for the draft.  
URallAssholes: WTF?  
Kingslayer: I am riding with Brienne.  
URallAssholes: is she so tall i won’t fit in the car?  
Kingslayer: Something like that.  
URallAssholes: fine, ill find my own way  
Kingslayer: Don’t tell her though. Not until the last minute.  
URallAssholes: *rolls eyes*

\--

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Catelyn, are Brienne and Jaime Lannister going to stay at Winterfell for the draft?  
RedHeadedMother: Yes. All of those horrible men and Brienne. I’m going to have her share with Arya. I am going to KILL my husband.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: No. You need to have Brienne and Jaime stay in the same room together.  
RedHeadedMother: Are they a couple?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: No. But they will be.  
RedHeadedMother: How do I make that happen?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Break a bed, paint a room, get a water leak. Make it happen.  
RedHeadedMother: You are killing me.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: If the great Jaime Lannister gets crushed by a girl…  
RedHeadedMother: Maybe this league will finally die. *sigh* I’ll make it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, CommaSplice on the Roose/Walda!


	15. Tampons and Dick Pics.  Thursday, Part 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When drafting in fantasy football, some owners (like ME) don't draft a kicker at all. A kicker can be picked up off the waiver wire. Kickers are low scoring in fantasy football. A good week for a running back is 30 points. A good week for a kicker is 8 points. So encouraging a new owner, or crappy owner, to pick a kicker early is basically encouraging them to waste a draft pick.

\--

CommissionerByRight: I am concerned about the draft weekend.  
FingerfewerHand: It will be fine.  
CommissionerByRight: Remember the year Walder got drunk and threw up on that waitress's shoes?  
FingerfewerHand: Tywin took care of that.  
CommissionerByRight: Robert should have.  
FingerfewerHand: We all agree he was a terrible commissioner, but you aren't a den mother. It's not your job to make them behave.  
CommissionerByRight: It is my job to protect the integrity of the League.  
CommissionerByRight: How did I miss that capital The implications? We will be the laughingstock of Westorosi Fantasy Football if they start calling us "TIT League." It happened on my watch. What if they start calling us "the TIT League?" It will be a "the The." Davos, I cannot. I just cannot. Remember that show Navy NCIS?  How it was Navy Navy?  I cannot.  I just.  Davos?  
Fingerfewerhand:  They eventually changed the name of that show.    
CommissionerByRight:  The TIT League?  I...I....It's all my fault.   
  


[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

FingerfewerHand: No one blames you for that. It's just Theon being an idiot.  It will all be all right.  I promise.  
iluvgilly: hey davos, stannis,  
CommissionerByRight: Samwell.  
FingerfewerHand: Can we do something for you Sam?  
iluvgilly: i need some advice about girls  
FingerfewerHand: Do you really think we are the people to ask?  
iluvgilly: gu4ess not

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: That boy would do much better with women if he learned to spell properly. I should tell him.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis, you are not his parent. Let it go.  
FingerfewerHand: And stop grinding your teeth.  
CommissionerByRight: Stop starting sentences with conjunctions.

\--

MrsYoungWolf: Don't forgot to pick up eggs on the way home. And bread.  
YoungWolf: weren't u going 2 pick those things up at lunch?  
MrsYoungWolf: I had lunch with your mother instead.  
YoungWolf: ine white or wheat?  
MrsYoungWolf: Wheat.  
MrsYoungWolf: And I need a box of tampons.  
YoungWolf: gods.

\--

URallAssholes: so....u & jaime  
WarriorMaiden: What about it?  
URallAssholes: he is a shit wingman  
WarriorMaiden: I don't care.  
URallAssholes: take him 2night  
WarriorMaiden: I am not your escort service.  
URallAssholes: tried 2 set him up w hookers, he wasn't interested  
URallAssholes: he likes u  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
URallAssholes: he says u have pretty eyes  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: tits, titty, titties, tits tits tits tits tits!!23@@!!!!!!!

[ShareReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: He is such an asshole.  
URallAssholes: i can help u beat him  
WarriorMaiden: How?  
URallAssholes: take jaime tonight  
WarriorMaiden: I'll hang out with him, AS A FRIEND.  
URallAssholes: or date him  
WarriorMaiden: Do you want me to do this or not?  
URallAssholes: fine, hang out w him  
WarriorMaiden: Give me some real information.  
URallAssholes: playing walder is like a bye week by midseason, he forgets 2 set his line up, and at the draft, if you say kickers, he'll draft two afraid all the good ones will be tak4en  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously?  
URallAssholes: yep  
WarriorMaiden: He's an idiot.  
URallAssholes: we call it the Walder Bye, 2 guaranteed wins per season  
URallAssholes: take jaime 2night?  
WarriorMaiden: Fine.  
URallAssholes: dance dating monkey DANCE  
WarriorMaiden: You know everyone thinks I have your dick pic.  
URallAssholes: how did that start  
WarriorMaiden: Sam?  
URallAssholes: figures, u should date jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. If you piss me off, I will find a picture of the smallest penis imaginable and tell everyone it's yours.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: i think u know my dick is pretty big

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I know you are a big dick.

\--

YoungWolf: TAMPONS i have 2 buy tampons!  
IKnowALittleSomething: no one told u 2 get married  
Kingslayer: Hahahhaha. Always knew you were a bleeding vagina, Stark.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: jaime, im sorry  
Kingslayer: For what?  
iluvgilly: brie is sleeping w ur brother  
Kingslayer: ?????!!???!?  
IKnowALittleSomething: how does that ...work?  
YoungWolf: she's got 2 be on top  
Kingslayer: What makes you think Brienne is sleeping with Tyrion?  
iluvgilly: she has his dick pic, they were talking abt the size of it  
IKnowALittleSomething: how big is his dick?  
YoungWolf: is it like, proportional?  
Kingslayer: BRIENNE IS NOT SLEEPING WITH TYRION.  
Youngwolf: whatver dude

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Hey.  
IKnowALittleSomething: hey brienne we wer just talkin bout u  
WarriorMaiden: Do I want to know?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: TITTIES! beautiful bouncy titties, tit ti tittyballs  
WarriorMaiden: You are such an idiot.  
SharkReek: sned me a pic of ur tits  
YoungWolf: i hear brienne has quite a collection of pics  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever, you're all idiots. Jaime, I'm going for six mile run tonight after work. Want to come?  
iluvgilly: what about tyrion?  
WarriorMaiden: He can't keep up.  
Kingslayer: Yeah, we can go running. Maybe dinner after?  
WarriorMaiden: See you tonight.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]  
[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: tyrion cant keep up.hahahahha, can't keep it up  
YoungWolf: limp dick lannister  
iluvgilly: u could ask 2 see the pic?  
SexViper: Are you talking about the goddess's collection of cock pics?  
Kingslayer: WTF??  
SexViper: Ellaria told me that the goddess Brienne is collecting photos of cocks so she can decide who to date.  
SharkReek: srlsy?  
Kingslayer: WTF????????

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

SexViper: And I hear yours lilts to the left, Theeeon. Like a sinking ship.  
SharkReek: it does not LILT, it bends, perfectly  
SexViper: Show me.

[IKnowALittleSomething has left the conversation.]  
[YoungWolf has left the conversation.]

iluvgilly: ur sister asked me 4 a pic of my penis

\--

Bronn4Sale: so we getting beers 2night?  
URallAssholes: yep, no jaime

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Did you or did you not send Brienne a picture of your dick?  
Bronn4Sale: he did  
URallAssholes: i did NOT send her a dick pic  
Bronn4Sale: little fuck is picking his words, he sent her 4 pics, different angles  
URallAssholes: fuckin hells, i did not  
Kingslayer: What the fuck is your problem, Tyrion?  
Bronn4Sale: he wants 2 fuck her, he's fucking her already

[URallAssholes has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: What?  
URallAssholes: they r back on this dick pic thing  
WarriorMaiden: I blame Margaery for this.

[WarriorMaiden has invited LadyRose to the conversation.]

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: You rang?  
WarriorMaiden: Tell them about the dick pic thing.  
LadyRose: About how you are collecting dick pics in order to choose your dates, about the fat pink mast or about how Red Ronnet has a downward curve?  
Bronn4Sale: fat pink mast?  
LadyRose: Sam.  
WarriorMaiden: I am NOT collecting dick pics.  
WarriorMaiden: I have no dick pics.  
Bronn4Sale: want mine?  
Kingslayer: Leave her the fuck alone, asswipe.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

SharkReek: tittymctittiesoftittyness  
SharkReek: fuc where did she go?  
URallAssholes: see, she has no dick pics  
LadyRose: Yet.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last update for the week!
> 
> Will be back closer to draft time.


End file.
